Blog of the Future

2005-04-23T13:40:00.000-04:00

Apparently, email makes you stupider than pot. I will soon be conducting my own study to confirm this finding by having people smoke pot every 15 minutes instead of checking email and then reading. Test subjects needed.

2005-04-20T20:31:00.000-04:00

does the prospect that all camel riders will be mechanical by 2007 strike anyone else as dreadfully wrong? Im not particularly sure why I am troubled by this, perhaps it is the outrageous decadence of despots that thrive off the manipulation of global energy markets as they broadcast terrorist propaganda across the globe, or maybe it is the prospect that a denigrated class of slave children who are forced to endure horrific conditions for the amusement of said despots will lose their economic niche as traditional ways of life are being thrown asunder in the wake of technology and globalization, it could also just be the fact that someone has actually designed a robot that has "whip action" as one if its 4 functions, or maybe it just the notion that a sport can be preserved by the wholesale elimination of every element of human competition, I really cant decide...

2005-04-17T22:40:00.000-04:00

I can have all the striped shirts and red bull and cereal I want, but Ill never be as cool as Mike Polk. Damn, I am regretting going to law school instead of I-banking more and more every day...

2005-04-17T13:44:00.000-04:00

I predict that the thrilling discovery that has finally allowed us to "unlock the secrets of the ancients" will end in anti-climax as scientists realize that the map to Zelda was already included in the inside of the game box with the instructions that no one ever reads.

2005-04-14T22:33:00.000-04:00

I was happy to wake up this morning to see NYU Law in the newspaper. Unfortunately, I found that the recent visit of Justice Scalia was overshadowed by the sardonic comments of Eric Berndt, made before hundreds of students, faculty, administrators, and Mrs. Maureen Scalia. Im sure most of you know the substance of his insulting dialogue with Justice Scalia from reports on the Druge Report, Underneath Their Robes, and Page Six. I was about to post a long tirade about my moral disgust, the intellectual irrelevancy of the outburst, and the need for the community to condemn such purely derisive action, but what is the point? No one cares about honor and character anymore...

2005-04-11T08:19:00.000-04:00

I started watching CNN in the mornings after becoming frustrated with FOX constantly putting crash videos on when I want news, but Rep. Markey (D) from Mass. just said that an extra two months of day light savings time would reduce crime because there would be less night time and that if we didnt have day light savings time Tiger Woods wouldnt have won the Masters. ugh, back to FOX...

2005-04-06T21:01:00.000-04:00

XXXXXXX G-RUDGE REPORT XXXXXXX WED APRIL 06, 2005 21:22:66 ET XXXXX

Clinton was also asked about his first flight aboard Air Force One since the end of his presidency: "I never thought I'd be on this plane again - I had a good time. They have turkey burgers too, which they didn't have when I was here. If they'd been serving me turkey burgers, I might not have heart surgery."

Texans outraged at more healthily lifestyle of President Clinton, vow to build BBQ 1, to be made entirely out of pork products and live cows, Rep. DeLay declared: "All true believers will rejoice as BBQed mana falls from the sky; New Yorkers will be shocked and awed by flying bullshit."

Developing...

2005-04-01T14:40:00.000-05:00

The Commission on the Intelligence Capabilities of the United States Regarding Weapons of Mass Destruction today declared that our Nation's pre-war intelligence on Iraqi WMDs was "dead wrong." It it unfortunate though that the Commission was not able to target an individual to blame for the destruction of Saddam's innocent regime. As usual, with a lack of better options, we must look to President Bush, and, this time, we can finally blame him for the elimination of that benevolent dictator.

2005-03-28T17:00:00.000-05:00

A weekend in New Jersey:

1. The irony was felt sharply when the Physician's Desk Reference fell 8 ft off the bookcase and onto my foot.

2. "I think she tried to bless the jelly beans like those christ cookies....are we christian now?" - My brother after eating the candy from my mother's latest attempt to convert us to christianity using easter baskets.

3. My neighbors have begun herding bison - yes, totanka. This somehow made me feel more at home.

2005-03-22T20:11:00.000-05:00

It seems reality has devolved into some tawdry mix of the twilight zone and hardcore porn

2005-03-21T15:40:00.000-05:00

I just found out today that George Kennan has passed away. While you all have known for several days, I have recently returned from a barren and God-less land called Europe and have just learned of this terrible news.

We cannot give Mr. Kennan credit for winning the Cold War, but if any one man could be said to have contributed more than any other to that enduring conflict, it was George Frost Kennan. His revolutionary article "The Sources of Soviet Conduct," published in 1947 in Foreign Affairs and attributed to "X" (at the time Mr. Kennan was the Director of the State Department's new Policy Planning Staff), served as the fundamental basis for US policy throughout the Cold War. His analysis of Soviet ideology and motives gave way to an understanding of the Soviet Union as a rational actor with perversely calculated aims. As the premier American Cold War strategist in the early years of the Cold War, Mr. Kennan was the architect of the strategic policy of containment. His masterful understanding of Soviet thought served not only to prevent war between the US and the USSR and establish the trans-Atlantic Alliance, it ultimately defeated communism through its consistent application over 45 years.

Among other awards, Mr. Kennan was the recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom and the Pulitzer Prize for Russia Leaves the War (1956). Visit the Foreign Affairs website to read his complete works published therein and an illuminating analysis of Mr. Kennan's work - "Containment: A Reassessment" (1977) by John Lewis Gaddis.

2005-03-03T10:48:00.000-05:00

So partners think we are all slackers. Since my career goals include becoming judgment proof and padding my billable hours by a less than prosecutable amount, I guess I cant really refute that.

2005-03-02T11:32:00.000-05:00

I hope that you are all as irate as I am after reading this article about a 22 pound lobster that will go to waste, please join PETA (People for Eating Tasty Animals) in calls to consume the succulent underwater beast, but please do not join them in reading Beef Today Magazine

2005-03-01T11:26:00.000-05:00

In the wake of the abdication of the entire terrorist backed government of Lebanon, the people of Lebanon have just renamed Martyr's Square as Freedom Square.

Team America - Fuck Yeah!

The New World Order

2005-02-28T15:27:00.001-05:00

As I find myself in the library, obviously not reading anything but the internet, I happened to notice yet another popular democratic revolution underway, this time in Lebanon of all places. First of all, it is truly awesome that I am sitting here in the library watching a nation achieve independence from tyranny through the sheer will of people and not force of arms. In the last few years, we have seen the peaceful creation of democratic government in Serbia, and to some degree in Ukraine. While it might be a strech to say the same of Afghanistan and Iraq, we can all agree that the people have exhibited their approval of and participation in democratic leadership through the recent elections.

What peaked my attention when looking at the pictures of the revolution in Lebanon was the presence of signs in English: "United we stand, Divided we fall." Regardless of what you think foreigners think of the US right now, each of the popular revolutions of the past few years was brought on by American disapproval, through diplomacy or force, of the ruling government. In each of these nations, US involvement provided the ideological trigger for a democratic upheaval and eliminated the option of repression for the governments. On the first level, the ruling dictators in all of these nations could not respond to the crowds in their capitals with machine guns for the simple reason that the US would not allow it. The liberation of Kosovo and Iraq has showed the world that we will not abide another Basra. The people could go to the square, and they could stay and protest. This, however, is not enough to bring down a dictator.

On the second level, the renewed American activism in the name of freedom for all peoples has created a global environment in which peoples have realized their inherent rights and their undeniable potential for self-government. For those of you who doubt the moral leadership of the United States, take Lebanon as your case study on the resurgent primacy of American ideology and geopolitical power and the ultimate realization of the New World Order. Not only is this a world where dictators take heed of American warnings backed by force (see Kadafi) this is a world where they cannot stand before the united moral force of free peoples. The Syrian puppets of Lebanon stepped down today because the people told them to and not because they could not withstand a no-confidence vote, a popular revolt or a US bombing.

In response to the recent Syrian terrorist attack on Lebanon, the people of Lebanon were awakened and President Bush declared that Syrian troops must leave Lebanon. The exigency provided a means for the moral force of the United States to be focused upon an occupying state. The people of Lebanon looked regionally and found a democracy taking shape in Iraq, one built on Islam and one that stands in defiance of terror. They look to Afghanistan, where a democratic government has freed a nation held down by fanatics. They look to Israel where the elimination of a terrorist has inspired a realist optimism for a Palestinian democracy. In Egypt, prospects of democracy spring from Mubarak's pledge for new elections. In Saudi Arabia, the world's last remaining autocratic monarchy bends to populist demands. They look back to Syria, where a belligerent policy and terrorist regime has perpetuated the despondent isolation of its repressed people. They see potential in American demands for a Syrian withdrawal, at the least a commitment that the US will not stand for further Syrian terrorism in Lebanon. Their anger awakened them, America stands behind them, they see the mobilizing power of freedom all around them, and now they are pushing forward.

Today as the Syrian puppet government of Lebanon dissolves, they carry signs that appeal to Americans. Why? Why would Lebanese Muslims seek the support of Americans, the people fled Lebanon 20 years ago, support Israel and occupy Iraq? The answer can only be that they need our support, both to protect them from Syrian terrorism and to lead them. Give them your support, and we shall see a free Lebanon.

Who would have ever thought that we would even think of "a free Lebanon" - This is why we invaded Iraq. The dominos are falling now, and they are falling on the side of freedom.

2005-02-22T17:15:00.000-05:00

"There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die."

-Hunter S. Thompson

He will carry on now in that hazy twilight of neither fact nor fiction, where memory has been so savagely abused that the mind can only imagine the wanton depravity that created it, and recoil upon itself in that swirling madness of delight, on the precipice of reality, where the gonzo thrives....

2005-02-17T18:20:00.000-05:00

holy shit, just when i thought that no one could ever be cooler than that star wars kid, i find this

2005-02-15T20:57:00.000-05:00

So many of you may already know all about this, but I find it fairly hilarious that "in the alternative" is actually in the lines to a rap, oh yeah, and that a judge actually dismissed a lawsuit with rap:

"Mr. Bailey complains that his rep is trash
So he's seeking compensation in the form of cash.
Bailey thinks he's entitled to some monetary gain
Because Eminem used his name in vain.
Eminem says Bailey used to throw him around
Beat him up in the john, shoved his face in the ground.
Eminem contends that his rap is protected
By the rights guaranteed by the First Amendment.
Eminem maintains that the story is true
And that Bailey beat him black and blue.
In the alternative he states that the story is phony
And a reasonable person would think it's baloney.
The court must always balance the rights
Of a defendant and one placed in a false light.
If the plaintiff presents no question of fact
To dismiss is the only acceptable act.
If the language used is anything but pleasin'
It must be highly objectionable to a person of reason.
Even if objectionable and causing offense
Self-help is the first line of defense.
Yet when Bailey actually spoke to the press
what do you think he didn't address?
Those false-light charges that so disturbed
Prompted from Bailey not a single word.
So highly objectionable, it could not be
Bailey was happy to hear his name on a CD.
Bailey also admitted he was a bully in youth
Which makes what Marshall said substantial truth.
This doctrine is a defense well known
And renders Bailey's case substantially blown.
The lyrics are stories no one would take as fact
They're an exaggeration of a childish act.
Any reasonable person could clearly see
That the lyrics could only be hyperbole.
It is therefore this court's ultimate position
That Eminem is entitled to summary disposition."
Bailey v. Mathers, No. 2001-003606-NO (Mich. Macomb Cty. Cir. Ct. 2003) (Servitto, J., pimpin').

2005-02-08T17:46:00.000-05:00

It seems this blog has devolved into my proxy for email forwards, but Im sure all the people I would have emailed are not bothered by this, anyway:

Virginia Fights Back Against Seven Jeans

2005-02-02T10:54:00.000-05:00

I still cant believe that any member of G.I. Joe would ever be taken alive

2005-01-31T15:54:00.000-05:00

Looks like Fox News is finally starting to pay off, just ask our youth

2005-01-27T13:13:00.000-05:00

Youve got to be fucking kidding me, who the hell wants mice with human brains? Why not give intelligence and slef-conciousness to roaches too?

Today - the chinese make rabbit men, tomorrow - Cannibal Tzo's Chicken lunch specials

2005-01-25T16:22:00.000-05:00

Scientists have finally shown us why the football squad, the cheeleaders, the goths, the skaters, the surfers, the band, and the nerd sluts all share the same STDs, but perhaps their greatest discovery is that high school girls never date their ex-boyfriends' new-girlfriends' ex-boyfriends.

2005-01-24T17:26:00.001-05:00

I am told that this is not real by a friend who called the number, but disturbingly enough, he sounded oddly disappointed

Col Killgore: ive got to admit though, id probably like cats more if they came in different shapes

Il Spud: devilspawn

2005-01-23T01:47:00.000-05:00

So I havent drunk posted in a while, but im funked up, its a blizzard, and im not asslep, I just got home from the P-FUNK concerd and the russian drink cranbarry vodka till youre off your ass room, I met this girl named Starchilde tonight who is the sexiest woman alive, she had a voice that melts swiss cheese like butter and could peel an orange like a strawbarry, she also has an unpronouncable letter at the end of her name

I also missed the LSE birthday for a bunch of really cool people, but in the words of the Interplanetary Grandmaster of Funk, the Doctor Funkenstein, shit, I cant remember what I wanted to remember he said that was really cool and funny, anyway it was something about girls and funk, Clinton also said "Skeet, skeet, From the west coast to the wall, the sweat drip from balls, skeet skeet, skeet skeet" (girsl love that song, its about someone else)

if a girl ever asks you what you could possibly bring to the table, tell her you made the table

I will now throw raw meet at the soon to be salmonilaed (I only have raw chicken) people that try to walk past my door, that is all, be funked

2005-01-12T17:01:00.000-05:00

Tell a lawyer joke, go to jail? You bet your ass

2005-01-09T21:32:00.000-05:00

Mexico was a good time, despite a sudden and unexpected conflict with Boy George at a sushi restraurant and a run in with Lizzy Grubman (who, I might add, is doing quite well now that she is out of jail and on a Jenny Crack diet that is working wonders), partied at Squid Roe - a disturbingly west coast bar that can only be described as a 24-7 mexican bar mitzvah party, climbed the rocks featured in Planet of the Apes (the movie, not the musical), and went fishing with a guy named Alejandro who claimed to be Brad Pitt's side kick in Troy, sadly though, I was not able to steal one of the men's bathroom signs from the hotel that featured a mexican in a sombrero pissing in the middle of the street, I found it hilarious at first, but now I continue to ponder its hidden meaning: is it meant to point out the folly of drunken mexicans pissing in the road or is it instructional for the gringos? is it just so the mexicans will know that the room isnt a Duchamp exhibit?

either way, vacation is over and im ready for the beginning of the term drinking season to kick off

2004-12-19T11:07:00.000-05:00

"In the age of blogs, all citizens, no matter how obscure, will have to adjust their behavior to the possibility that someone may be writing about them."

2004-12-19T01:14:00.000-05:00

So I was talking to the Dr Seuss illustration today, as yet again he decided to sit across from me and talk in french for hours on end in the library, and he told me that, you know, llms are just here for a year, and they dont really care since they already did 6 years of law school, theyre grades dont matter, and they are going back to europe soon, and, oh yeah, cheating is no big deal over there and most people do it, so they tend to cheat here too, he seemed suprised that this prompted a rightous tirade from me about things obviously foriegn to the french such as honor, though he seemed to understand that there is, at least, some amount of self interest in not passing exams around, though he said this doesnt matter to him and other llms (I told you he understood self-interest) and that if they were really worried about that sort of thing here they would have seperate curves for llms, he then continued to make fun of me for worrying about the little things like cheating on finals

ARRGGG!!

2004-12-18T11:31:00.000-05:00

this is quite frankly one of the most disturbing things ive seen in a long time, but, hey, they may not accept the little things like capitalism and democracy, but between this and the new Disney World being built by the Communist Party, at least they are accepting our most important creations: Plastic Sugery and Mickey Maose

btw, is it just me, or is Disney the most sinister company of all time? They helped the nazis, they are responsible for Britney Spears, Eisner is one of the most corrupt bussinessmen in America, and now they have theme parks in China and France (the land of hypocritical, osamapologist, cheese eating, surrender monkeys)

2004-12-17T22:17:00.000-05:00

ok, so how does Castro get off comparing US to the nazis, yes, the whole torture thing was very bad, representative of all the inherent dangers of war and a strike at US credibility around the world, but lets just get something straight, who invaded the peace loving island nation of Grenada? Yes, Cuba. Ha, I bet you thought I was referring to the Reagan, didnt you.

and another thing, both the US and Cuba may keep people locked up in terrible prisons on the same island without due process of law, but as you can see, one of two deperately needs some help from Pimp My Ride

2004-12-17T22:10:00.000-05:00

is this a joke? I dont know, but its funny as hell

Brought to you by DR.unk of LawLush Productions

Finally!!!

2004-12-17T15:31:00.000-05:00

Some people might say there is no socially acceptable place for these but they seem perfect for my christmas in Baja, so I can finally be Jewish, fit in with my family, pretend to be from california, and be in a state that pretends to be part of california all at the same time

2004-12-17T13:52:00.000-05:00

Just got a Christmas card from my parents, with a tree on the front and wishing me blessings from the Lord and such, which is really thoughtful of them, except for the fact that Im JEWISH!! this must be the Christian equivalent of Voice of America Radio

2004-12-16T21:09:00.000-05:00

Coming up on Fox after the Swan: "Who's Your Daddy" A 90 minute reality special where an adopted woman has to pick her real father out of group of actual dead beat dads. You'll laugh when you think of who else is watching it, and you'll cry when you realize that there are 60,608,582 of them who, in addition to possessing the scientifically unexplainable ability to breath with an IQ of 2, exercised their power to vote last month.

2004-12-16T19:16:00.000-05:00

I had my first check up in a long time today, so I didnt drink coffee all day and managed to acheive a blood pressure of 120/80, but as a result I am not able to acheive conciousness today, so my day has been less than productive

i must add that the check up was not a roaring success either, such as when the doctor asked me about drinking, and i made a conservative estimate of three nights a week, up to ten drinks, her first response was, "so how much alcoholism is in your family?" then she proceeded to explain to me that with young people, "we try not to think of it as substance abuse," but that I should think about getting into bad situations when I drink, since "drinking impairs your judgment," (huh, no shit?) and that I need to be very careful about drinking too much and getting into accidents, like hooking up or getting hit by cars

funny she said that, because this is something that I can relate to in an all too personally impacting way....yes, i have been hit by a taxi (as well as trees...on multiple occasions), but only in my first head on collision with a tree did i ever even recieve a bruise, since then I have learned, though repeated practice, how to deal with, though admittedly not avoid, high speed objects like trees, cars, and the ground

hungover blog

2004-12-16T13:03:00.000-05:00

hungover blogging is much less fun than drunk blogging: uggghhh....bizz ass

that is all.

drunk blofgq

2004-12-16T01:02:00.000-05:00

so this is my first trey at drunk bloggind, this is alregy more fun thena drunk email or drunk calling abcy because no one can talk hsit to me except through comments, and i can delete those

ansyway, here is my drunk blog:

so im drunk, and thats aresome, because my hnads arnent shaking anymroe and i can type properyly, so im finally back on the wagon, unfortunately though i have to get into corporations tomorrow, anf i hate corproatiotns, but ive decided to call it bizz ass, so thats cool, and on the upside i love that 80s shit, so reading about mergers is going to really be hot, and i just met the bartender at tavery bar, which serves feedom fries, and the bartender is hot and ewnt to grade school wiht me, so i didnt ereally just meet her, and my bes tfriend;s girldfirend who lived on my block who is best friends wtih this hot girl who is going to work wiwth me this summer, and my name is adam goldberg, did you know that a movie star is names after me

in other news, ive beeen drinking, succkasa, and i really, really want to be an AUSA, mostly because then when people rergfer to me they would haver to say USA, fuck yeah

2004-12-14T23:04:00.000-05:00

"There are still a lot of queens in George Tenant."
-The W., 12/14/04

I know that its not all peaches and gravy when it comes to Bush, but can someone please explain to me what hell that means. Im all about sticking it to terrorists, but all Im asking for is someone who can both speak english AND piss off everyone who might be slightly annoyed with us. Well, at least we can all rest assured that the Ronald Reagan Missle Defense System will go online next month and protect us from a North Korean nuclear missle (ohh yeah, thanks for figuring that one out, George) for the sale price of $99,999,999,999.99.

*Update: The missle defense system failed to get off the launch pad today, woops, I guess we should have gone with the whole satellites with lasers idea, or just gone back to Nixon's plan to detonate our own nuclear bombs over the US to protect us from incoming missles...wait

2004-12-14T19:27:00.000-05:00

So it seems that Ive been in the library for about 15 hours a day for, well, i dont want to think about it, but WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO GET A DRINK IN THIS PLACE?!

this is the worst fucking bar ive ever been to

2004-12-14T15:22:00.000-05:00

Apparently they are filiming Law and Order outside of my apartment right now, its the second TV shooting in a week on my block, since the recent shooting of Johnny Zero at the corner store, so I think my block is now hip enough to start calling my building retro, instead of "pre war," and my apartment a penthouse, instead of a "fifth floor walk up"

2004-12-14T11:58:00.000-05:00

Im amazed by what an effective time wasting tool this blog is, and the best part is that it accomplishes just as much and is almost as easy as talking to myself outloud

ps. does this make me a bloggard?

2004-12-14T11:38:00.000-05:00

On the up side, studying has been made more interesting by my new ability to spontaneously generate my own light show, but on the down side, seeing spots probably indicates a serious health problem.

Welcome to the Blog of the Future

2004-12-13T19:52:00.000-05:00

In an effort to waste as much time as possible and create something that is subject to every whim of my ego, I have developed the Blog of the Future. You may have visited other blogs before, or this may be the first blog you have ever seen, but rest assured, this is the BLOG OF THE FUTURE. There are no other blogs like this one, probably because they are much more original or inspired, even so, no blog will ever be as new or as improved as this blog, because, well, I think you get the idea.

The Blog of the Future shall feature:

-Enlightened and Liberal policy debate initiated by moderator questions like: How shall we confront the clear and present threat to democracy posed by the British Monarchy?
-Random and Psychotic rantings
-Whatever I find momentarily amusing

In other news, I am fostering an increasing degree of spite for LLMs. I am now sincere in my belief that they are some sort of horrid incarnation of a Dr. Seuss illutration sent here to terrorize me and generally wreck up the place. One in partucular (who is sitting accross from me right now, so Ill stop saying everything I type outloud, but he is still staring at me) was using a public computer today in the library at 9AM and listening to techno music outloud. Apparently he did not notice this because his head-jarring attempts at rhythm must have dislodged his ear drums long ago and he was also listening to techno with headphones. Now he is still listening to the techno that is apparently being amplified from his earphones though his empty skull (brain also dislodged).

Ok, I admit that sounds angry, but hey, Im in the library at 11pm on, what day is it?